Last week I went out with my friend Eric. He ended up telling me a story about some girl in Chicago who started talking to him and his friends and had this awful Match.Com story. Then he was saying how his friends were telling him to sign up.
We both agreed that signing up would just feel awkward and nerveracking.
Idky but then I started thinking about it more and found myself perusing the peeps on there. I was mostly unimpressed and ruled ppl out for many reasons, including some for my own feelings of lack of self worth (ei, this guy is about to be a doctor, why would he want ME, or this guy looks super professional and classy, I can’t hang with that. Some of the other reasons were typical looking douchebag yuppies one finds running rampant around Cincinnati.
The thing is, I dont even know that I want to date, anyone. I’ll admit, I’m afraid. What if they all suck and are super awkward and uncomfortable and I’ve wasted time I could have spent with my friends, or you know sleeping. Even more so, what if I actually find someone I like? This changes my current schedule. I have a thing going right now. I’m alone. I’m okay with that. I have a few friends who I adore (and have not paid enough attn to, I’m sorry) and I spend a lot of time alone. Idk if I’m ready to give up my current situation. I know that sounds odd. I’ve dated a few ppl after my ‘fake-ex’ as I will now call him, and it’s been about a year and a half, and I still find myself falling back into the heartache on occasion. I find this a little ridiculous but he was in and out of my life for over 10 years and from the first few months that i knew him, I knew there was something about him that I couldn’t help being drawn to, through everything that has gone on in my life since I was 18, he has been around, sometimes in the background, sometimes in the forefront, and now he’s no longer in my life, at all, I’m trying to put it all behind me.
Anyways….. so I’m browsing the profiles or whatever, I myself without one, and I finally say whatever and go back to tumbling or doing whatever.
The next day I find myself thinking about it again. If I am okay being alone and Idk if I want my life altered at all, why am I still thinking about it? I can’t really answer that except to say perhaps the ideal of romanticism and sometimes just missing those feelings I used to have.
Fine, profile added. So now I’ve seen profiles of guys I actually know on there and wondering, fuck, ppl I know might see my profile. ugh. I hesitate but don’t take it down.
Funny thing is I’m not actually a ‘subscriber’. I’m only a member. Being a member, I can ‘wink’ at ppl and view profiles. I can see ppl who have ‘winked’ at me, and I can seeeeee that ‘someone’ has sent me an email, but I can’t actually read any of them or see who theyre from .LOL. All I can do is see them piling up. I signed up I think Friday and I have about 14 emails. Right now theyre going unread. I havent decided yet if the possibility of meeting ‘Mr. Right’ is worth the monthly match.com fee. My potential future husband is not worth 34.99. I am a fucking asshole right. Ok, well they do have a 3 day trial but I’ve viewed everyone who has ‘winked’ at me and well, I’m an effing shallow mothafucka I guess b/c ‘not interested’. (I did wink at ONE person; he never winked back. pfft) So, I mean, I don’t want to start my 3 day trial with the possibility that the winked guys are the same guys who have emailed.
Besides that, my friend had set me up with ‘that one guy’ who Ive bailed on and havent emailed back recently.
What is wrong with me. I’m super picky. And afraid. And royally screwed up from 10 years of SHIT relationships. I post a lot of personal shit out on the internet but there are some things, about one of my other ex’ (the one I don’t talk about) that I’d never post on this blog. Most people I know IRL don’t know about my tumblr and I’d like to keep it that way, but the small risk of someone I know and worse family, reading anything about the fucked up shit that I actually stayed through, out of idk, cowardess, is too great. Let’s just say my dad would fucking kill him. Everyone has screwed up relationships; and everyone deals with the mess differently. I have dealt with the shitstorm of 10 years by being somewhat of a recluse and developing some issues of my own that I don’t want to come out with a ‘new guy’
So, basically I just wanted everyone to know 14 emails/ppl are out there unopened, just waiting for me to ‘subscribe’!
Will I:
A) take my profile down and say screw it
B) Wait it out some more and eventually get a free measly 3 day trial
C) Subscribe ad avoid and/or bail on every last person I encounter
D) Die an old lonely cat lady
I just realized al those answers sucked, so here is the unrealistic fairy tale version
E) Meet Mr Right. (bahahahahahaha)
I think the fact that it’s on your mind just might mean you are ready to try to find someone new. It is part of being human that makes us crave someone to bond with and love. Since you have been burned its understandable that you would be afraid of the outcomes, but just remember, anything worth wild is worth the risk. Just go for it!
